I agreed to this kind of set up and I never asked for more than that. I never said, 'hey let's be something more than this'. I never demanded anything from you. I let you do your thing and you pretty much let me do mine primarily because that's how it's supposed to go, no rules, no anything. We're still free spirits. But you know what made me go cold towards you? What made me think that you're close to being the jerk I wasn't expecting you to be? It's because you never seemed to care. Sure you did for the first couple of weeks but that was all. As time went by, with each passing day, it feels as if you're slowly drifting away. Like the person you used to be has just vanished.
I don't cook. It's either I have no time to learn it or that no one ever had the time to teach me how to. Every guy wants a girl who can cook for them, I am sorry because I do not fit into that category. You may find it bratty and childish of me to reason out that we can always eat out and that we can get a help but as a kid, that's how I grew up. Not that I want to push you to that kind of lifestyle but just please don't give me a hard time about not being able to cook, moreover open the stove. But do know that I can always bake for you; cookies, cupcakes, cakes, you name it. I can. Maybe sometime I'll whip you up some meals when I finally have the courage to be within a feet of a flaming stove.
I can be boring. But not because you're not fun to be with but because I sometimes just have the tendency to shut the world out for a while.There will be times when we're together that I would just wait for you to say something and I'll just take it from there. More often than not, I would always take my cue from you. You may always have to be in the lead because I will tell you this, I hate making decisions. If it were up to me, I wouldn't even be choosing between steak and fries, I'd get them both.
My mood swings are extreme. I can go from your sweet girl to a dry, off-the-zone stranger sitting across you in .5 seconds. The littlest of things can set me off my mood and in the same manner make me the happiest human being alive. I can be a bitch to for a minute and be a dork the next. But no matter how confusing my moods are, do know that you're the one who I chose to study and be able to handle them.
I am a sucker for surprises. Not that I am saying you must surprise me always because what would be the point? Little things make me happy; be it a sticky note saying "good morning" posted on the bathroom mirror, be it a stalk of white rose on a random afternoon, be it you suddenly showing up on my front door, be it that random phone call, be it you hugging me from behind as I'm browsing through novels in a bookstore, be it a cone of ice cream just to cheer me up, be that sudden walk under the pouring rain, all the little things, little surprises, they're going to make me happy. You need not have to do much, after all, it's always the thought that counts.
On a rainy day I like to stay in and watch a romcom wrapped in a thick, fluffy blanket sipping hot choco and eating a big bag of Cheetos. On a bright and sunny day I might want to go out for a bike ride, a picnic, it depends on my mood but it just has to be outdoors and is nothing short of chill.
I don't do sports but I would like to try. If you happen to be sporty, you need not worry because I am going to support you all the way. If you happen to like video games, once in a while I might join you for a round or two but don't expect me to be always up to it. I won't be mad at you for playing your sport and/or video games but please just always make time for me. I might even ask you to teach me how.
I will write blog posts about you, like what I am doing now. Mainly because I want my every thought of you to be preserved. And also because I would like to share with the world wide web who I fell in love with and who has my heart. Yes, you may think of it as cheesy because I do too and I am secretly hoping that you read and appreciate them.
I am a lot of different things. I am made up of sugar, spice and not everything nice. I can be dull and full of life and quiet and loud and snobbish and sweet all at the same time. I can be a lot of things but there's an equal lot that I can't be. Darling, I am full of flaws and I hope you are ready to accept the best version that I can be. With all my heart I hope you would patch up the broken pieces and not break it through the course of our time together.
Know that I will love you. With all that I am, I would. I'm going to be in it for the long run as long as you're going to take the track with me. I am not going to be the best girl your could ever have but I will try and I hope that would be enough. We'll talk, laugh, and have fun. We're going to have our down moments and we may cry but then everything would be bearable so long as we have each other. And we'll take care of each other, won't we?
I may have known you, have seen you; you might be someone I used to be close to or you may be someone I am friends with. There's a lot of possibilities, we'll never know. I am excited to meet you but for now, we'll continue with our lives with great hope of meeting each other, not soon, but at the right time.
Be aware that this post is not going to make sense. I just have too much going on in my mind that I somehow feel the need to put them into words and actually make a blog post about it. I feel like I'm straying too far from who I am, who I used to be; it feels as if my shadow is starting to be bigger than I am and that it's eating me whole and it's not good. Change is inevitable but sometimes I can't help but wish that the change won't be too drastic which in this case doesn't seem to be extreme but it might as well be as I feel much different now. And you know what confuses me? I don't even know how I changed but it surely feels like I did. Or maybe I'm just crazy.
Have you ever felt like you want to care for someone but can't because you might end up being clingy and you don't want that to happen. It's like you want to show them you care but you're having second thoughts about it because you feel like you're going to suffocate them if you did and you don't want to lose them because of that. It's like, I don't know. I don't...ugh.
Another thing is, summer is boring me to death. I've planned on taking driving lessons so I can get my license and be able to drive and not be hassled by public transport anymore but, alas, dad won't let me and I'm pretty sure mom won't let me because that would mean I'd be spending lesser time at home and she would have none of that. If it were up to her, she'd probably lock me at home and just let me go out like I don't know, once or twice a month. But thank God I still get to go out at least once a week, so yay for that. But still, this summer is starting to be so base again.
I want to get my hair cut and dye it copper red (or red if I would be too bold). Like seriously. But before I can do that I have to get it rebonded first so I would look good in my I.D picture. LOL. But yeah, I'm itching to cut it but I'll let it go for another week, until after my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, whoopee!!, so that the stylists won't have that much of a hard time fixing my hair.
So yeah, I didn't make any sense. Again. Like always. What's new?
Yup, I am using a John Green novel for a title because an "Ideal Guy" title for a blogpost about your ideal guy is just so.....plain. Anyway, my ideal guy changes over time, I guess it depends on your maturity. As a kid my ideal guy is Prince Charming, though thinking about it now, I don't know what I ever found in a Prince Charming to think of him as ideal. Castles, white horses, gowns, tiaras and servants? Only Kate Middleton had that kind of luck and hello, I live in the Philippines and I'm too far away from Prince Harry. And then the grade school me, thought of her ideal guy as someone who would buy her flowers and chocolates and teddy bears during Valentine's Day and would dance with her during the Post Valentine Party. Yes, I am that romantic at a very young age. LOL. During high school the ideal guy is someone who would take me to Paris. Which would be next to impossible because we're still high school students and not even 18 yet and would not be allowed to travel abroad without a legal guardian. So that was what the shallow teeny-weeny me thought of as the ideal guy. Now as a coming-of-age girl, naks, I have a new ideal guy and I'm pretty sure it is what I am going looking for in a dude if it's for the long run. Here goes....
- He knows that no matter how independent I may seem, I still need that extra TLC; that I still need someone to tell me to take care of myself, to start being healthy, to remember not to trip while walking and/or running. To simply just remind me that yes, someone is going to care for me.
- He knows how I do not want to be clingy; that I want to let him be himself, that I don't want to strangle him and such. It may seem like I don't care about him but he knows that I just don't want to suffocate him.
- He knows my kind of being sweet. Sometimes I would go on a total bitch mode and when he's completely frustrated, I would make it up to him. It does sound wrong and off the hook but hey, that's how I tell my guy he's special and my ideal guy would know it. He would know that I'm making lambing when I punch him playfully, when I mess with his hair and when I give him the evil eyeball.
- He knows that I am not much of a talker. Most of the time we'd have to talk I would mostly just keep quiet not because I don't like talking to him or that he is not interesting or that he's boring but because I feel comfortable sharing the silence with him and he would know that. And he may talk my ears off but he knows that I am listening. And while he is ranting, I may not have anything to say to him but he knows I can always give him a hug or a kiss, whichever works best.
- He knows my incapacity to function in the kitchen but he would know I am willing to help him prepare the ingredients; that he can count on me to chop and slice, to mix, to season, to stir, anything that does not require opening the stove. He would let me watch him cook and taste his dish before adding the final touches to it. He would tell me to learn how to cook but will not push me to it because I'll go on telling him how I can just bake for him instead.
- He knows how unhealthy my lifestyle is. Thus, him planning work-out dates so he can make sure I'm doing my part to be in proper shape.
- He knows how scared I am of believing that someone would actually want me, to be with me because of all that happened in the past and because he knows it, he won't get tired of proving to me every day that his love for me is genuine, that it is as true and real as it could get.
I should have taken it as a sign, to end things right then and there. Because nothing that every came by this fast lasted for long. I was stupid thinking this can actually work, that I can manage it. But as dumb as ever, I disregarded my vulnerability, my incapacity to enter this kind of status and come out without a scratch. I thought that maybe this time it's different but like always, I was wrong. Who am I kidding anyway, I should have known from the very start, I was always just a past time, an option in their never ending list of choices. I have, for the nth time, made myself feel miserable again. Cliche but it really was too good to be true and I should have seen it. I should be used to it by now but no, I still haven't learned.
I swear, this is the last time I am going to make a fool out of myself.
Look for the guy who will love you and your flaws. He's going to see through your clumsiness, your forgetfulness, and you sometimes zoning out on conversations. He's going to look beyond your imperfections and see who you really are and in the process, love your flaws too. He's going to love your entirety, what can be seen on the outside and what lies beneath. He's going to see the real you because he accepts you for being less than perfect.
Look for the guy who respects you and your boundaries. He accepts what you can and cannot for him, with him. He's not going to rush it because he's going to be in it, with you, for the long run and not just for the happy hours. He's going to be a gentleman because he knows every lady deserves to be respected. He's going to be there still even without the opening.
Look for the guy who knows your worth. He's going to value you because he knows what you've been through. He's going to make you feel that all the heartaches you've been through is worth it because he's going to love you endlessly. All the little things in you, he's going to find very lovable and will never let go of. He's going to be faithful and loyal because he knows that you will be faithful and loyal as well. He's going to make you feel like no one ever did before, that you're the only one and that you're enough for him and that he's never gonna let you go.
And you wouldn't want to let him go just the same because you know that after the long and winding journey, you've finally found the right guy for you.
This is the video that my cousin Ate Jelai made documenting our spur of the moment trip to Laiya, Batangas. It was actually just a random idea to do this "video blog" and our other random ideas, it came to life. HAHAHAHA! What can I say, I have a talented cousin. This video is mostly made up of our boat ride to one of the isolated islands in Laiya. It's not my video blog, I'm just..... talkative. HAHAHAHA! Next up, Baguio? :)
Video © Jelai Sisante. It may not be reproduced and/or clipped without prior notice to the owner. Music by Sunday Girl -Love U More.